If you're like me, you took one look at today's line up and wondered why Holger was back on the left and Dante was given the start at centreback. And it seems to have us a little bit out of sorts at first. When I wasn't falling asleep, I was yelling at my computer, because our back line looked a mess and our holding mids...weren't really holding anything. Stuttgart scored (and, to be completely fair, it was a pretty great goal) and...I commenced venting my frustration with the boys with one of our regular readers.
And then, in typical Thomas fashion, Muller assisted himself. Because I enjoy teasing my friend who is a Gunner, for those keeping track, Muller now has as many goals as Arsenal does on the season.
And Toni Kroos. Can we just take a moment to celebrate the fact that Toni Kroos plays for us? Not only did he, in the first cup match of the season, do fangirls everywhere a huge service by dowsing himself in water and thus making us all appreciate the fact that the away kit is mostly white, but he can score from 30 yards out. And does. More often than he really should be able to. What a screamer of a goal!
And then, after missing the best chance of the first 20 minutes or so for Bayern, Luis Gustavo defeats both the Stuttgart keeper and the woodwork (I think the wood sometimes forgets it is only supposed to play for Bayern...) and scores another 30-yard screamer.
Immediately after the half, mostly because he wanted Chary to be able to play his torhymne ("Mandy" by Barry Manilow), Mario Mandzukic scored. Followed by Muller. At this point, it's just getting fun for us and really embarrassing for Stuttgart.
Feeling left out, the love of my life, er, our vice captain decides to open his scoring for the season, making it 6-1 Bayern with another 40 minutes to play. To quote a regular reader, he is the Mary Poppins of football: practically perfect in every way.
And we have officially reached the point in the match where your team here at FC Hollywood starts placing bets on things like whether Neuer will score (or do anything other than rescue kittens from up trees while the other ten boys play footy), whether Holger will score (please check out hasholgerscoredyet.tumblr.com for all your Holger-scoring needs), what the likelihood was that Robben caught a cold because he was trying to squeeze into a child's size small kit or Tymo is out because he slipped on the butter the team used to squeeze everyone into smaller kits this year (note: Team FC Hollywood FULLY approves of the boys wearing their jerseys tighter).
Mandzukic comes off in the 70th for Pizzarro and everyone is waiting with baited breath: will we see Javi Martinez? Since Basti's still not at 100%, it'd be great to rest him and give Martinez a chance to show us why we just spent the Bundesliga-record obscene amount of money for him. And, for the record, we'd like to welcome Javi Martinez to Bayern. Bienvenido, Javi, y esperamos que jugara bien para nos!
In the 73, Shaqiri comes on for Ribery (Ribery was still playing? He was a little quiet today, but that's maybe not fair since we can say that only because he didn't score). Then Boa gets a yellow for a mid-air collision with a Stuttgart player (who gets a straight red for then shoving Boa after they picked themselves up off the floor).
And it's the moment you've all been waiting for! Javi Martinez makes his debut in the 77th and Basti heads to the bench for a (VERY) well-deserved break.
13 minutes later, it's all over. Bayern win VERY decisively 6-1, are at the top of the table with a +8 goal differential, and "Stern des Sudens" is still really catchy.
Your German word of the week: torgala. What does it mean? Well, I'm pretty sure it means "scoring enough goals that you thoroughly embarrass your opponents" but it could also just mean "lots of goals."
Until next week, friends, let's all sing together:
- FC Bayern, Stern des Südens, du wirst niemals untergehn,
- weil wir in guten wie in schlechten Zeiten zu einander stehn,
- FC Bayern, Deutscher Meister, ja, so heißt er mein Verein,
- Ja, so war es und so ist es und so wird es immer sein!
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