As I sit here burning the 2 a.m. oil (midnight has long passed), trying to cram even more neuroscience into my brain (I think I am starting to have visual hallucinations, either that or my hair really does look like spiders), I realize the end to this very traumatizing season is almost near! May is almost upon us, I am 3 exams away from finishing an equally traumatizing, but fun, year.
So I suppose one thing I can ask of Bayern is, can you do me a solid and get to #3 and give me hope that I CAN DO IT here?
I will give you a hint: no more of that possession football shit, it doesn't work and insanity is repeating the same activity expecting a different result. Stop it.
I would go further with this but I realized I am without my pink and yellow highlighters, both of which are very crucial and that I just spent the last two minutes contemplating the reality of underwear gnomes and sock elves. This is probably a good sign that I should stop.
Cliffs Notes version: Win or lose, Bayern, I will love you. But a Win would feel like a really nice hug or something. Mia San Uli, etc. etc.
To the amazing men of FC Bayern, in light of their 5-1 trouncing of Bayer Leverkusen-
Thank you. I woke up Sunday morning tired and cranky, figuring that I was going to get up pointlessly early and be sadly disappointed once again by a draw or, worse, a loss. But I need to remember not to doubt you all (and not just in that last-minute, save-the-day kind of game manner, where the winning goal is scored in extra time and I've spent the previous 90 minutes worrying). Because Sunday, I fell in love with you all over again.
To borrow a phrase from the ever-fabulous Uli Hoeness, much of this season didn't seem to be very fun. But yesterday, it was fun all around (unless, you know, you were cheering for Leverkusen, which I doubt you were). And so, I write this open love letter, because I just can't not talk about that match. Oh, and apologies for the fact that most of this will be in English (as my German is still limited to things that are best directed at referees, I think I'll refrain from accidentally insulting any of you).
Young Mr. Muller, you were everywhere and it was brilliant to watch. Seriously. You kept creating chances and pushing forward, forcing the other team to make mistakes, and you looked like you were having a blast out there. Danke.
Monsieur Ribery, votre énergie et votre enthousiasme ont changé notre équipe pour le mieux. Merci. Et félicitations pour le but!
M. Van Buyten...Bienvenue à nouveau! Votre taille et votre ténacité ont été manquées. Merci.
Diego Contento, it's good to have you back. Seriously. You were ferocious out there and you made a certain Dutch former captain VERY proud with your tackling. Danke.
Senhor Gustavo, você tem certeza que você não é um zagueiro? Porque você foi brilhante. Obrigada.
Tymo, you are more than deserving of having a cartoon superhero alter ego (or is this your alter ego and you really ARE a cartoon superhero?). Love watching you play, love watching you slide tackle the heck out of people, and love watching you practice your "Who, me?" face. Again, Mark Van Bommel would be VERY proud. Спасибі.
Miro Klose...I know I'm often harsh on you when you're in a Bayern kit (and yet can't get enough of you in an NT kit), but you looked great out there and you were helping create chances. And did you happen to attend an MVB slide tackling seminar? Because you had a couple of Mark-worthy crunchers. Dziękuję.
Kapitan Lahm, what can I saw? You remain flawless, keep us attacking, and you're a heck of a captain. Danke.
Super Mario, can we go ahead and change the spelling of your last name to Golmez? Another hat trick, another day of you showing why you deserve that starting spot. If someone had asked me last season if I ever thought I would come to love you as much as I do, I would have said no. And it's not just about the goals (though, they are helpful); it's your presence and your humility and your utter fabulousness. Danke y gracias.
Basti (I do hope you'll forgive the familiarity), you are and forever will be my favorite player. Despite an injury, you were amazing. You make me love the game more and more with every passing week. I really don't have words for how much I love you. Danke.
And, finally, to the love of my footballing life, a certain Hans-Jorg Butt...You made me fall in love with the game and it is unspeakably good to have you back. I have missed you terribly, drive people crazy talking about you, and am so glad you're back to hold our back line together. I'm going to miss you when you retire. And, for the record, while I'm okay with signing Neuer, I wish we could have several more years with you. Danke.
And to all of our other players (even you, Pranjic, and yes, I realize I'm really harsh on you and might have called you the spawn of Satan on (more than) one occasion)...thank you for making the game fun. Let's keep this up.
Love, A typical American who loves her typical Germans.
This is Luka Robben, yes, the actual son of Arjen Robben (not to be confused with his pitch-side progeny from him and the continually missed Mark van Bommel - Holger Bieber Badstuber). He is a cheerful little tulip whose demeanor is only hindered by an oncoming Bernie. We can all pretend that the last time he encountered Bernie ended up with Luka getting ambushed by Mark van Bommel after taking the bait of a seemingly innocuous bathtub full of the Bayern mascot.
The next match is an away match but we can hope that we'll be seeing more of this right footed toddler before the end of this season!
I trust that the other ladies on this blog can write a more constructive match reaction post, but having just watched the match as a study break and knowing the outcome, well... this is as good as it's gonna get.
Also please click the links or this post is going nowhere.
Yes there is still a third blogger here! I just finished Medical Physiology last week, sang way too much "Forget You" in a band and in an a'cappella group, became a Belieber for all of five minutes, got asked for my autograph, mildly inebriated and am almost at my first Medical Neuroscience exam and so I have brains on the brain. Are you still following, because naturally this leads me to a mini-feature I like to call:
Inappropriate Stress Responses of the Week + Bayern shows LvG the door: Uli finally tells us how he really feels. + Kraft bumbles against whoever it was we played last Saturday: I think I made myself a bowl of pasta (irony level would have increased if it was macaroni and cheese) + Bastian Schweinsteiger and I become contralateral ankle ligament sprain twins, I laugh and say "what more could go wrong? haa haa ha" Edit: Apparently even more! Franck had to end practice early because of a tight hamstring + Watching practice videos during a dinner study break, all I could notice was Jonker's considerably fit physique and that I very briefly missed the awkward pauses on LvG's rotund belly. + Hole in the midfield? I know Nerlinger said "No" but I want Mark van Bommel to say "Yes" in the form of a slide tackle (though I won't mind if he at least wins the double in Italy) + Pranjic continues to be an option.
And now, something that has been going around school since the second years are studying for their board exams after the jump (and no, it is not oral herpes)
Anyone else starting to feel like Murphy's Law is in effect? *shakes head* Okay, so what we know about the match on Sunday... *Robben is out for two matches thanks to his red card. *Basti has an ankle injury (right ankle ligament sprain, according to fcbayern.de). He's questionable. *Daniel Van Buyten and Daniel Pranjic are both questionable, too. I'll refrain from cheering on the latter, but hopefully the former will be fit enough to play. *It's looking like Jorg Butt will be back in goal. To me, this would be the best news of the week, but until I see him between the posts, I'm not putting money on it. *We can safely assume that Lahm, Gomez, Ribery, and Muller will start. It's been confirmed that Tymo will start at DM. If LVG were still coach, I'm pretty sure he'd take the remaining positions he has open and figure out how to play his remaining players completely out of position, but who knows whether Jonker will put Gustavo at DM or at CB. *Holger's out because of yellows. Contento may get the start at LB, but who knows.
In other words, our formation and line-up are somewhat in the air, we're facing the number 2 team, and we desperately need a win. Should be an interesting Sunday morning.
A struggling Bayern sacks an uninspiring manager towards the end of the season in the hopes that the shock method will breathe new life into the team.
If you just rushed to the mirror to make sure that you haven't changed into Bill Murray, you're not alone. This is a tale that feels quite familiar.
It's not exactly news that Bayern can rarely hold onto a successful manager for a sustainable period of time. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that it's because the infamous nature of the club has a tendency to attract a bevy of talented but egomaniacal managers. Now, aren't all successful managers egomaniacal in some way? Well, of course. The issue is their outlook. Some managers care more about how they're perceived by the outside and as a result, intrapersonal relationships with the players fall by the wayside. Take a look at the likes of Jose Mourinho - he may be widely hated by a great many people, but his players love him completely, and that's what makes the difference.
We can only hope that one day our prince will come, Bayern fans.
Now I'd like to turn my attention to the second order of business and that would be Uli Hoeneß's comments. Papa Bayern is going to catch a lot of flack for what he's said. Personally, I'm someone who always has a certain admiration for honest reactions, even when they fly in the face of what is appropriate and professional. The man did his best to hold his tongue all season, I can't fault him for finally giving in. However, I would like to address a few of the things that he actually said.
“With the decision to take Butt out of goal, the whole thing went to shit. You can’t watch it anymore, especially after yesterday. It’s been a chain reaction, the whole defense was insecure.”
Unlike many, I don't consider this comment as solely a criticism of Thomas Kraft's skills because that would be disingenuous. Kraft had some truly bright moments in the past few months that showed that while he may not have the makings of an excellent goalkeeper, he can certainly grow into a solid one with more and more experience. The problem is, you can't stick an inexperienced goalkeeper between the posts when you're going to play musical chairs with your backline, never allowing any combination of players to truly develop a rapport and subsequently eroding the collective form of the defensive players.
"It’s about success..but it’s also about having fun. And there has been very little fun at this club for a long time."
The single more important poignant thing that he said. The players have appeared to be emotionally exhausted in some way or another all season and all the talent in the world can't patch that up. We need a manager who can inspire the players to lift themselves above that and to have fun again. Can Jonker pull it off in such a short time? Will Heynckes be that man for us next season? Only time will tell.
And now for a feature I like to call, "Are you effing kidding me?!?"
Okay, Kraft, I know you're young. And somewhat inexperienced. But can you explain to me why you felt it was a good idea to come so far off your line that you were so far out of the box that you did not appear on screen when the goal was scored? I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. Yeah, I know your back line has problems. Yes, our defense is somewhat lacking. But that doesn't excuse a failed attempt to clear with your foot, when you actually had a defender there and, had you been on your line, you would have had a chance to stop the shot. I'd say it's a "rookie mistake" but you're the number one keeper for the best club in German history. You don't get to make those kind of mistakes. Do that again and I might start thinking bring in Neuer is a good idea. And for the record, Jorg would NEVER have done that.
And, while we're on the topic of ridiculously dumb moves, Arjen, let's have a chat for a moment. I know that this season has been frustrating. I know that your best friend had to leave because our coach is a giant dumbass and that he's been blatantly taking shit out on the players loyal to Mark. And I know that, often, it feels like you're the only person on the pitch actually trying to WIN and not just not lose. And, without a doubt, today's ref was a blind arsehole. However, seeing as your the only player who seems capable of actually finding the net and/or creating chances for his teammates...could you maybe have waited to yell at the ref until he couldn't red card you for it? I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying that it's a crappy situation. But know that I can't stay mad at you, because at least you care enough to get mad.
...so please, feel free to comment and let us know your thoughts! We promise: we don't bite (unless asked nicely). Rules for good adult behavior apply (aka don't be an asshole). In order to encourage some participation: Which player would you most like us to choose for our FC Hollywood Star of the Week?
You know those moments when you want to throw things at a wall, tear your hair out and start making voodoo dolls? You start to feel light-headed and that might be a little bit of anger, but mostly it's just this sinking disappointment that you know will stay with you for days no matter how many times you try to yourself "it's just a game." Those moments when things just don't go your way even though you thought to yourself, "goddamnit I really thought we were going to pull it together this time." Yeah. Of course you do. Those are the "nothing is going our way" times. Those are the bad times. But here's the thing about the bad times - they don't last forever. No winning streak will remain unbroken; success and failure are not static entities. You need the bad times because they're growing experiences. You need the bad times to get to those moments where you literally can't stop smiling and you think your face might just get stuck that way. Those times when you just can't stop dancing and everything feels like rainbows and cakes like it did back in middle school. That's what makes the good times so much better because they feel hard-fought for and you don't take them for granted. I don't ever want to reach a point where I consider winning to be a given because really, where's the fun in that. So, there you are and there's that sinking feeling in your stomach and it sucks because you hate feeling like this. So what? Grit your teeth, down a few shots of Jägermeister and support your team because no matter how crappy you're feeling, I can guarantee that they're feeling much worse.
(I promise I don't usually write so often in second person narrative, I have no idea where that's coming from).
Let's be honest: we have a problem and his name is Pranjic. He's the player who, every time he touches the ball, we all cringe and pray "Don't screw up!" and then we breathe a sigh of relief when he passes (or, more often, we sigh in exasperation when he turns the ball over). He's not fast enough to play at LB, he concedes unnecessary corners. So why does he keep getting playing time?
The following is a conversation that Charyse and I had about a month ago. I think it explains it all:
Charyse: the trials and tribulations of being an FC Bayern fan continue/
Bex: DISLIKE. In other news, we’re pretty sure that LvG’s deal with the devil had a clause that allows Koln to always best Bayern. It’s the only explanation.
Charyse: this also justifies pranjic.
Bex: LvG: I want to coach Bayern Munich. Devil: Okay, but I have a few conditions. LvG: That’s fine. As long as I can show them my balls. Devil: Um…sure. But you’re never going to beat Koln. LvG: It could be worse. It could be Schalke. What else do you have for me? Devil: And I want you to give my son, Daniel, some playing time. LvG: Is he any good? Devil: Occasionally, he’s good for an assist. But that’s about it. He’s the kind of player that will make your fans get nervous every time he’s anywhere near the ball. LvG: As long as I can show them my balls, your son can play. Other FC Bayern fans: THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!
1. FC Nürnberg vs Bayern 2. Hannover vs Mainz 3. Leverkusen vs St. Pauli
FC Nürnberg is playing Köln today and if they are lucky enough to break Köln's winning streak they will be dead even in points with Mainz, which could be a catalyst for Mainz to beat Hannover next week. That puts them within shooting distance of us. At the very least we will need a draw to stay in 3rd, but obviously we should WANT a win (though based on the lack of fire from some of Bayern's players it is sometimes best to keep a stoic face, expectations low and know that no lead is safe).
When we last saw Nürnberg, we were at Allianz on November 14th, Matchday 11. We were 9th in the league with 16 points. While statistically less dire, it is even more urgent though here are some stats from that game to get an idea of how we might perform: Fouls: Bayern - 17 (1 yellow), Nürnberg - 10 (1 yellow) Corners: Bayern - 3, Nürnberg - 2 Offsides: Bayern 4- Nürnberg 0 Possession: 56.6% Bayern - 43.4% Nürnberg Total Shots: Bayern 13 - Nürnberg 12 Pass completion rate: 57% Bayern - 43 % Nürnberg Passing success (in percent): 84% Bayern - 77% Nürnberg
Our lineup that day was: Butt - Lahm, Van Buyten, Breno, Pranjic - Tymo, Ottl - Müller, Schweinsteiger, Ribery- Gomez.
Based on today's rather lackluster performance against M'gladbach, I'm going to venture a guess that next weekend's lineup is going to be:
For whatever reason, Pranjic will still be playing though it would be nice if van Buyten is fit for him to play, with Gustavo at LB and Pranjic far away from touching the ball.
On matchday 12, Leverkusen narrowly beat St. Pauli by 1, we can probably expect the same result. Pauli won't be at home so likelihood of beer projectiles is exponentially lower. However Pauli are now at the bottom 3 and will be scrapping opponents (we can hope) against Leverkusen.
Regarding Hannover-Mainz, their earlier meeting saw a yellow-red for 96. Mainz had a majority of the possession during the match though as we know that means nothing. I am hoping Mainz will do us (and themselves, I guess), a favor by beating Hannover, but at the very least I am going to hope for a draw.
What this all boils down to is what should happen What should happen: FC Nürnberg vs Bayern - > Bayern win (though we are not an away team, we can hope) Hannover vs Mainz -> Mainz win Leverkusen vs St. Pauli --> Pauli win
This puts Bayern at a safer (though still 3 point) distance away from Hannover, Leverkusen, 2nd place and CL closer within reach. vs.
The worst that we should expect to happen: 1. FC Nürnberg vs Bayern: draw 2. Hannover vs Mainz: draw 3. Leverkusen vs St. Pauli: Leverkusen win. We would still be deadly close to Hannover, still in third place though with the better GD and Bayer would be harder to gain on.
There's an even worse alternative but I will refrain from that and hope that this weekend's performance will forcibly shake up our players so that we can get a solid win, add to our GD and bring us closer to ending this nightmare of a season.
For now, I leave you all with the wondrous sounds of Arjen Robben's torhymne:
